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Fic - Awakenings 02
DarthOlivia
ragazzaazzurra
Title: Awakenings
Chapter: 02/?
Fandom: Star Trek Voyager
Pairing: Janeway/Seven
Summary: An injury reverses the roles in Janeway and Seven's relationship. Post Endgame, first time story.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Also, not a native speaker, so mistakes abound.

Chapter 02

1. Confusion

I look at Chakotay from the corner of my eye, and I can see he wants to ask me what is wrong. I have been quiet for most of the trip back to my aunt's house, too busy sorting out the evening's events to indulge in meaningless small talk. Since we have returned to Earth, one thing I found most satisfaction in is the order I have created in my life. Everything has its place, and every person has a role to play. Apart from work I have established family life with my aunt, a romantic relationship with Chakotay, the friendship aspect has been fulfilled by several crew members from Voyager... Everything that was expected from me is covered. Now I can see that order falling apart, and that scares me...

I am surprised to find us in my aunt's living room. I am not even sure I recall giving the command to open the door, which is a mystery in itself. This will not do. I need to divert my attention from Kathryn, and there is only one way I can think of right now. So I kiss him. He is gentle as always, letting me set the pace of our kiss, and I use that to immediately deepen the contact. I surprised him, I can tell, but he likes it. His hands are bolder now, caressing my back, slowly nearing the straps of my dress. I can feel he is excited, but it is not enough. There is something missing, I know that. I have gone through entire databases of mating rituals of several quadrants, and I know I am not supposed to feel this detachment when his hands touch my skin. He is trying, I can feel it, but it is simply not sufficient. His fingers curl around the strap and I know I have to stop him.

"Chakotay, I am sorry but I cannot..."

"It's okay, don't worry. I didn't mean to rush you."

"Thank you. I... I just do not think I am ready yet to move beyond kissing."

"You don't have to explain yourself Seven. I am here for you, and I'll wait for as long as you think is necessary. There is no rush..."

His eyes are soft and full of understanding as he tells me this, and I feel a twinge of guilt for my previous thoughts. He is a kind man, and an excellent potential mate. I am sure I just need some time.

"I think I better go now, but I'll see you tomorrow for lunch, right?"

"Yes, tomorrow..."

I walk him to the door, and he kisses me once on the cheek and smiles before he departs, leaving me alone with my confusion.

* * * * * *

Chakotay is long gone and instead of missing him, I can only think about one thing. Kathryn Janeway is attracted to women. This one thought has been keeping me unable to concentrate on anything else for two hours now. I know I should be regenerating, but I have no doubt that it will be a futile attempt. It is not really the lack of regeneration that I am afraid will affect me, but the fact that such a small detail - six simple words - is causing such uncertainty is unacceptable. Why does it matter so much? And why does the order that I have built so carefully for months seems completely insufficient now? I am aware there is only one thing I can do to resolve this issue, and it is something I am surprised to find myself not looking forward to. I have to talk to Kathryn about it. I am just not sure yet what I am going to say.


2. Reminiscences

I hate the Sun. I know I've missed it dearly for seven years, but I guess it's true when they say that distance makes the heart grow fonder, makes you forget the reality. Now, at this sinfully early hour as it persistently manages to send a ray of light straight into my face no matter where I move my head it doesn't seem like a friend I once thought it was. Okay, maybe it's not the Sun's fault, maybe I overdid it a bit last night. But it was worth it. I stayed much longer than usual, and much to my surprise, I had better time than in a long while. Jasmine had left a bit before I did, but we still managed to spend some time together during the evening. I don't really know what came over me to ask her out. Talking about things that are not my style...

Yes, now that I think about it, it was definitely an interesting evening, on more than one front. Seven was... well, she was a revelation last night... She made all the heads turn, that's for sure. I still feel terrible when I think about how I managed to make her feel abandoned. She looked genuinely hurt last night, and I really hate being the one responsible for that. Of course, she doesn't know – and I don't want her to know - how many strings I had to pull and how many hoops I had to jump to make sure that she is not misused or mistreated in any way by the wrong people in the Starfleet. But still, that is not an excuse for letting her down in the most important aspect, for letting her adjust to a completely new way of living on her own. Why didn't I try harder to find some time for her? There is one reason that comes to mind immediately, and I don't like it one bit. Was I really jealous of the fact she had new, important people in her life? Did I really think she had replaced our friendship that easily?

"Kathryn, breakfast is ready!"

Ouch! My mother did this on purpose, I am sure of it. I woke her up last night when I accidentally knocked over a vase in the hallway after I got home, and now she is paying me back, with interest. I am considering ignoring her call and going back to sleep, but knowing my mother, consequences would be too sever to justify several minutes I would gain. With that thought I throw the blanket of off me, shivering when the first morning chill reaches my body. As I make my way to the bathroom there is only one thing I can think of - I really, really need to get my apartment operational as soon as possible...

* * * * * *

“You do realize that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, don’t you?”

I was lost in an unknown part of space for seven years and still managed to find a way back home, I have fought the Borg countless times and came out on top, I united two crews that were mortal enemies before… and still my mother manages to make me feel like a ten year old with just one look.

"Yes mother, I know."

"Then why have you been rearranging the eggs on your plate for the past ten minutes, instead of eating them?"

"I guess I'm not really that hungry..."

She looks me over carefully before a small smile graces her lips. "Judging by the looks of it, you either had a really bad or really good time last night. Which one is it?"

I have to laugh at her assessment before I answer, my mood lifting a bit. "The latter. I don't remember the last time I enjoyed myself that much..."

"Yes, I thought so." Her smile widens as she continues. "I am glad. You know, burying yourself in work will do you no good in the long run. You are home now, it's time to relax a bit..."

"Please don't start again mother. You of all people should know the responsibilities that come from being an admiral." Her face grows serious and distant, and I feel guilty immediately. Reminding her of all the times my father put his work ahead of his family didn't really help my case much. At least I have a way to make it up to her on the spot. "Look, if it will make you happy, I made a date last night."

Judging by the instant brightening of her face, it worked. "A date? Wonderful. Who is he?"

"Actually, it's a she."

Her left eyebrow rises high as her fork stops halfway to her mouth. “A woman?”

“Yes, a woman. Is that a problem?”

“Of course it’s not, don’t be ridiculous. I am just surprised.”

“Why?”

“Well, can you tell me of one other time you have had a date with a woman? If you had then you didn't tell me for some reason, and that would offend me deeply. Did you think I would mind?”

At once I want to deny it, but I have to stop myself for a second. I didn’t really think about this before, but still, I'm sure she can't be right. I found other women attractive all the time, right? ...right? Well, it's not really like I had a chance to casually date anybody. After all, I have never been out of a long term relationship long enough to play the field. First there was Justin, then Mark... And since then I didn't really have much of a chance to show interest in anybody, apart from a random alien. And a hologram – a part of my past I really, really wish I could erase. So what changed? Why am I suddenly so willing to do something that, now that I am honest with myself, never really crossed my mind before?

"I guess you are right, this is a bit new."

"I am? Well, in that case, something you want to tell me?"

"No, not really. Honestly mother, I didn't even think about it before you brought it up. Is it really that important?"

"Of course not, I was just curious. It makes no difference to me, one way or another." She takes another bite from her plate, before she continues, finally dropping the subject. "So, did you and your sister finally managed to work out that little disagreement you had?"

Grateful for the retrieve, I start explaining what the newest issue between us is, and why a solution to it isn't anywhere in sight. If I thought that seven years would change the way me and my sister communicated, I was deeply wrong. We are still both as stubborn as before, and getting older seems to have only increased our "differences in opinion", to put it mildly. Now that I think of it, I am definitely going to have to introduce Seven to Phoebe. I really need to see her reaction to the whirlwind of emotions that is my sister. Maybe I'll ask her to join me for a weekend here two weeks from now, for mom's birthday. That would give us some time to catch up and get Seven to meet my family, all at once. The idea of spending several days in Seven's company fills me with pleasant anticipation, and I decide to invite her on first chance I get. It's really about time I started making up for the lost time...

To be continued...
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